H. Dumpty, age 68, passed away suddenly at the foot of the old brick wall in Surrey county yesterday afternoon. Knit in the round, he was a proud 10 inches tall (not counting legs), and sported a healthy 18 inch girth.

Although not with family at the time of his passing, Mr. Dumpty was surrounded by many of the King’s horses, as well as several of the King’s own men who worked tirelessly in an attempt to put him back together.

Mr. Dumpty is survived by dozens of family members world-wide.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to cage-free egg farming.